F4A Fine Print: If relationships came with terms and conditions (humor!)

Welcome to your new relationship. These terms and conditions outline the rules and regulations for our love life. By being in this relationship, you accept these terms and conditions. Please read this contract thoroughly and sign at the bottom. Section 1, kissing.

Kissing is an important part of any relationship. However, it must continue to be monitored for maximum pleasure. Thus, kissing must only take place at the time specified below. Section 1, subsection 1, non kissing times. Kissing must never take place after eating pickles, fish, or any other foul smelling food.

For similar but more painful reasons, absolutely no oral sex shall take place immediately after eating hot sauce. Section 1, subsection 2, kissing must never take place after the application of any runny, low value lipstick. Section 1, subsection 3, kissing must never take place in public places unless both parties are given at least 2 weeks Written notice. Section 2, intercourse is defined broadly for purposes of this document as, whatever the fuck 2 parties decide counts. Other terms for intercourse for purpose of this document include sex, fucking, boinking, shagging, riding, lovemaking, Hanky panky, rumpy pumpy, Nookie, Amorous Congress, tapping ass, baking the potato, tossing a hotdog …

Welcome to your new relationship. These terms and conditions outline the rules and regulations for our love life. By being in this relationship, you accept these terms and conditions. Please read this contract thoroughly and sign at the bottom. Section 1, kissing.

Kissing is an important part of any relationship. However, it must continue to be monitored for maximum pleasure. Thus, kissing must only take place at the time specified below. Section 1, subsection 1, non kissing times. Kissing must never take place after eating pickles, fish, or any other foul smelling food.

For similar but more painful reasons, absolutely no oral sex shall take place immediately after eating hot sauce. Section 1, subsection 2, kissing must never take place after the application of any runny, low value lipstick. Section 1, subsection 3, kissing must never take place in public places unless both parties are given at least 2 weeks Written notice. Section 2, intercourse is defined broadly for purposes of this document as, whatever the fuck 2 parties decide counts. Other terms for intercourse for purpose of this document include sex, fucking, boinking, shagging, riding, lovemaking, Hanky panky, rumpy pumpy, Nookie, Amorous Congress, tapping ass, baking the potato, tossing a hotdog down the hallway, and doing squat thrusts in the cucumber patch.

Although to avoid Embarrassment. All parties are encouraged to simply use the terms sex or fucking as written above. Consensual fucking time should be agreed upon by both parties and indicated verbally, although 2 weeks notice is still highly encouraged. If a party does not feel comfortable asking directly for sexual intercourse, they are encouraged to initiate discussion on the topic through one of the Following methods, slow dancing, whale song, actually cleaning up around the house, wearing new socks, indicating a lack of interest for anything on TV or doing the other party's taxes. Upon any of these activities, Sex is highly likely to be initiated by the opposite party and discussion will immediately begin.

The inter fucking shall then continue until both parties determine a satisfactory stopping point, which may or may not include climax. Either party may choose to forego climax if they wish, but no party may always focus solely on their own pleasure. This is established through the Regina's ex law, better known as the Steve stop making it all about you protection act. For all fuckery, positions are to be determined by that which seems natural to both parties. No sexual direction is recommended to be copied from any of the following sources.

Cosmo, any frat party, that one weird hentai porn you saw, Any movie starring Ryan Gosling. Be assured that none of those positions actually work. Similarly, this contract stipulates a 69 clause which Teats that the position otherwise known as 69 only be used outside of sexual intercourse to the amusement of both parties. For example, when passing exit 69 while driving, both parties are immediately recommended to exclaim nice. Otherwise, this position is not recommended because it sucks and not in a good way.

Once one of the recommended positions has been agreed upon and achieved, Fuckery may continue until either party is satisfied or until chafing occurs. For this reason, sex on the beach is prohibited, and liberal use of lube is encouraged. To quote the great philosopher Plato, seriously, buddy, you could never have too much lube. So prepare accordingly by bringing along a towel. Further, Both lighting and eye contact etiquette should be established prior to any clothing removal.

Recommended starting lighting position is Dark enough so that no one feels awkward about being naked, but light enough so that we can still see shit. Recommended starting eye contact position is not until we've l bombed, you fool. For this reason, you are highly recommended to not say I love you for the 1st time while having sex. I repeat, Do not say I love you for the first time while having sex. However, you are encouraged to engage in various forms of canoodling that are known as foreplay.

In fact, this may soon become required pending the passing of Regina's even worse ex law better known as Dylan, you can't just shove it in there, so you are encouraged to prepare accordingly. Beyond that, you are encouraged to use All intercourse to seek mutual enjoyment and affection. It is recommended that you allow the other to know your enjoyment based on highly explicit moaning such as The following Oh. Oh, yeah? Oh, Oh, oh god.

Such exclamations are particularly encouraged as a climax nears, as are the following. Oh, I'm coming. Once Parties have completed all sexy time, they may compliment each other on their performance. If both parties identify as Caucasian and the sex was Exceptionally good, then they are encouraged to awkwardly high five. As suggested in the clause, which is simply titled white people.

Important. After climax or upon ending all sexual activity, There is a mandatory 20 minute cuddle and pillow talk period. No falling asleep, you fucker. Section 3, your bed. Have a bed frame.

That is all. Section 4, outside activities. Parties in an established relationship may sometimes be asked To engage in recreational activities outside of the bedroom, the following rules apply to any so sanctioned activities. Section 1, subsection 1. Both parties must actually attempt to determine the other party's interest before deciding upon a given activity.

See, Peach's Law, better known as for the love of everything, stop hogging the remote. Section 4, subsection 2. If sci fi remains an acceptable method of entertainment, then so do bad reality TV shows. Learn to suck it up. Section 4, subsection 3.

Okay. Let's face it. You've stopped reading at this point. Heck. You probably never even started.

I don't know why I even bother. No one ever listens to me. No wonder the effing divorce rate is so high. Whatever. Just click the stupid button at the bottom, and let's hope you're not this lazy in the bedroom, babe.